I am full of flaws,
Flaws of all kinds,
Some minor, some substantial,
Some assumed, some superficial.
Some that grow like weed on my body and some run so deep that even I cannot reach the root of it.
They are at times mischievous, at times fierce and at times so ugly that I do not wish to confront them.
But every now and then I have to gather all my courage to step out of the hiding and isolate myself to meet the ugly in me.
I am full of flaws,
Flaws of all kinds,
Some minor, some substantial,
Some assumed, some superficial.
And no matter how deep they run and where the roots are now,
I have made peace with its existence,
I have made peace with the curse.
Dear Toxic men,
I’ve been meaning to share my thoughts with you for a decade now but I just can’t seem to find a window of opportunity to put them forth while you are busy cutting me off when I’m talking, assuming the things I haven’t spoken, criticising me, putting me down and disrespecting me and the choices I make in MY LIFE . Dear Toxic men, you are close to me and you are dear to me because you are either family, a lover or a friend to me. It bothers me when you think you can treat me any which way you want to only because I let you be around me. It angers me when you think my safety is not important just because you trust men in general and if someone does end up creeping me out, it is all my fault. It breaks my heart when you consider my aspirations as useless hobbies and my needs as purely materialistic. It kills me when I am made to feel guilty for not entertaining you, for demanding what’s mine and for fighting for my own right.
By now, I am sure, you have enjoyed reading about all that disturbs me and eats me up one bit at a time. Now here’s something you do not know, dear toxic men. When you are busy blabbing and bickering about what I need to do with my life and how, I’ve already taken immense pleasure in realising what a fool you are who just wasted several hours of his life doing something that’s never going to help you while I make a solid plan to move on. I have studied you & your manners and made a mental note of never using the words you choose to use because I do not wish to become a mean and despicable person as you. I have realised that your brain lacks common sense and that you only want to fuck around with my life. I have learnt to nod over every condition you put on me just to drop those conditions off my head. I have noticed how often you tend to change the plans you make for me and every amendment carries an essence of a totally confused and nonsensical thought process. I have noticed how often you tighten your fist and how often you hold your emotions when I am ready to fight back. I have planned my moves to kick you several times in the place that’ll hurt you the most and I have already decided to push you down the cliff you have me standing on in ways you cannot imagine. It’s easier to act when the vision is clear. Bring it on, dear Toxic men.
I asked, “Excuse me, may I join you please? The place is jam packed today.”
You looked up, smiled and you nodded and you stacked your papers away,
I sat me down as I wondered if you were the one who hummed,
The beautiful harmony that awakened a curiosity,
How I wish those three minutes you shouldn’t have kept mum.
Two soulful human beings,
About love they were speaking,
He asked, “What the heck is love?”
She said, “It’s the loveliest form of emotion one could ever have.”
He asked, “What the heck is making love then?”
She said, “It’s the tastiest recipe to touch someones soul.”
He asked, “If it’s for touching souls, why do people make love in the privacy of their rooms?
She said, “Because they touch each other only physically in the gloom.”
He asked, “How do I know when love has touched my soul?”
She said, “You’ll know, sweetheart, you’ll know when everything around you brightens a thousandfold.”
It’s been over a decade that I have been meeting innumerable people at my workplace. There is one, however, who drained the hell out of me emotionally, physically and mentally. It took me eight years to understand this person and finally decided to cut all ties with him. An ex-colleague recently overloaded me with so much information about the way this creep treated her that I had to do something about it. I don’t know why I couldn’t identify this squirm in the initial days. The ex-colleague couldn’t either. So I decided to use this platform to share my observation with all of you. I would urge you all to read it and share as much as possible. If you cannot share it as a post on a social media website, share the link as a message to the ones who really could use this information.
Now, what should we call this creep…. How about ABC…. C… CD? Oh wait! Dickface sounds more appropriate.
So here are some ways to identify the “Dickface” at your workplace.
- The dickface introduces himself to you and immediately asks for a hell lot of personal and private information. If he doesn’t ask for such information immediately, he will do so after spending an insane amount of breaks with you in the first few weeks of your joining.
Note – This dickface won’t necessarily be a colleague who was on-boarded with you. He could be a senior – a Leader or a “Manager”.
- You find your colleagues dropping out one by one from your break time and the last person remaining to accompany you on the breaks is the dickface.
- The dickface tells you how troubled his childhood was. He could even say he is adopted. Many girls fall for this shit. He creates a soft corner for himself in your hearts. Awwwww…. But he is still a dickface.
- Your one on ones take longer than anyone else’s one on one. If it’s work related, talks are very direct. This dickface will keep asking you questions to know everything that’s happening in your personal life to identify your weaknesses. When you ask for his observation on the one on one discussion, he will say stuff that is completely irrelevant. Something like, “You have the potential.” Or “I liked the way you presented yourself – you have great communication skills” etc. etc.
- You receive an insane amount of messages or calls from the dickface on weekends or holidays.
- You find him loitering around you during work hours.
- You find him leering at you while you are working. If you ask him why he was looking at you he will slide in a compliment depending on the area of your body his eyes were on. The dickface has an insane amount of inappropriate compliments for girls. “Hey, your lips look so pink.” “Wow! That’s a nice neckline” and he leers down your torso etc. etc. Totally inappropriate.
- The dickface will share crappy and offensive jokes but just because he is a colleague or a Senior Manager, you take it sportingly and let it pass. He would be very vocal about the fact that he appreciates bold behaviour especially when the jokes are around dicks and nuts and fuck, but this is just a trick to justify his shitty thoughts. Remember he takes advantage of this situation.
- You find yourself getting an insane amount of special attention from the dickface at the workplace and outside as well. Many fall for such kind of attention when it comes from a highly designated dickface.
- You find yourself working alone on weekends. Think why the dickface is making you work alone on weekends. He could say extra numbers could add to your productivity. It will help you get better ratings and all that jazz. Remember that a better rating is not above your health, safety and happiness.
- The dickface offers to pick and drop you when you work out of work hours. This is how he creates the situation to get closer to you.
- You find the dickface appearing out of nowhere at your residence and at the places you usually hangout at. He could also insist you introduce him to your family and friends for no particular reason.
- The dickface constantly pesters you to accompany him for coffee or lunches or dinners or movies and he willingly pays the bills in the beginning but later on you find yourself paying his bills. Sometimes he may continue paying the bills, but the fact that he is a squirm still remains.
- He makes the move and you DO NOT LIKE IT and DO NOT WANT IT. Make sure you are not alone with him. Raise it with the HR. Get help to get out of the situation.
- The dickface cannot talk good about many people that have been good to you. He will want to manipulate your life and your decisions by making everyone else around you look bad. When I say everyone, I mean everyone – your colleagues, your friends, even your family.
- You find yourself isolated with no ability to do a thing without the dickface. That’s because the dickface has made you dependent. Remember the times when he insisted that you spend time with him or stick to him no matter what?
- If you still weren’t able to identify the dickface and by now you have started dating him, you will see signs of infidelity soon. If you get a background check done, you’ll know he’s done it before.
- The dickface gets really insecure and possessive. He lies and lies and lies because lying is his second nature. He does this only to re-emphasize that he cares for you. It is never so. You need to save your ass and run away from him as fast as you can.
- This one is important. You and him talk marriage in private but he never let’s you go public with the relationship and he never shows up for a formal discussion. This is because he doesn’t mean marriage. He only wants to kill time or get laid while he can. If he does speak marriage, analyse if he is forcing you into it. Pause a moment and think if you really really want to be with him. Consider the age gap, your lifestyles, your families, your career, your passion, your likes, your dislikes and many other aspects that will affect your life. Don’t be an idiot when it comes to your life. Use your brain and think it through. Don’t get caught up in the “I love you so much” scene and the tender kisses he showers on your neck. Take your own sweet time and think if you really want to get married to the dickface. A little thinking today can avoid a bad decision tomorrow.
- This one is very important. The dickface harasses you and threatens that he will hurt himself or harm you if you go against him. You should contact the police immediately and get the hell out of there.
How many times will he break her where she’s breakable the most?
How does he know to stab her where she can’t reach on her own?
She cannot soothe the wounds now without making a sound.
She’s gonna rip the red in the roses if his thorns pin her down.
You know me.
No, don’t keep the letter aside.
I’ve written it for your eyes only.
An empowered part of me.
I haven’t lost you, have I?
I know I haven’t thought of you in a while.
So, where are you now?
You definitely don’t reside in me.
Why did you drift now?
You didn’t leave a note for me.
Would you come back now?
I’m the part that could use some nurturing.
Would you stay with me now?
‘cause everyone else just seems to leave.
Whenever I’ve written my poetic lines,
I’ve opened the jar of feelings,
That I’d shut a long time ago.
They flutter at the mouth and escape through my eyes,
As teardrops trickling,
At the encounter of every soft blow.
A beautiful soul once told me it’s okay to express what we feel. It’s okay to speak about stuff that has been bothering. It’s okay to cry over spilt milk… Well, at least till the counter is cleaned. But what’s not okay is the valley of self blame that most of us fall into for things that are beyond control. It’s easier said than done, right? Well, the beautiful soul also told me that it is difficult but not impossible.
The poem written below is an expression of what I felt for over a decade after losing my father. If you ask me how I feel now, I don’t feel any different. The loss was tremendous and it’s difficult to deal with even today. Sometimes I want to curse the people who were responsible. Curse them so bad and so ugly that my own self wouldn’t like me. A college friend once said I had a lot of hatred in me. Maybe I did… Maybe I still do. If someone who caused an accident that took a life is human, I am human too. The only difference between them and me would be the choice we make. I have made peace with the fact that I do not have control over everything and strongly believe that one day, karma will work its magic.
There were so many moments,
So many times I’ve thought,
You left because I did something wrong.
I blamed myself for being ignorant,
Blamed myself for not trying hard,
Maybe I didn’t pray enough to make you come back strong.
Would you have stayed back if I would’ve spoken some more that day?
Would you have delayed your plans if I would’ve asked you to play our favourite game?
Maybe poured another cup of tea?
Or grabbed some snacks and made you watch the TV?
Would you have broken promises made to your friends to keep the promise you made to me when I was born?
Did you leave me because I did something wrong?
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